INTRODUCTION:
Today, we’re going to look at all the writing advice and words of inspiration from our favorite authors…and scrap them. Screw all this writing tips and tricks. We just want to sit back, dream up millions of story ideas, and get paid doing absolutely nothing.
We are going to learn how to ruin our dreams of ever becoming an author and learn how not to be a writer.
Let’s look at 10 ways that will guarantee we will never become a writer.
HOW TO FAIL AT BECOMING A WRITER:
- Sleep In
Ah, sleep, the most precious commodity in the world, next to water. We need it to regulate us and keep us alert during the day and asleep at night.
Sleep also improves our memory, helps us maintain or lose weight, lower stress, etc. Did you know you can actually die from a lack of sleep? I’ll leave that for you to research.
Anywho, we don’t care about any of that. We just want to sleep in. Some of us stayed up with a sick kid, we had work to do, or we just wanted another episode of Brigerton, followed by another. So we are going to hit that snooze button a couple times and eventually sleep right through that damn alarm clock. The day can wait for us.
- Procrastinate
Why do something today that we can accomplish tomorrow? There are 365 days in a year. We don’t have to finish that manuscript today.
Remember how, in school, teachers gave us a deadline? Well, we can give ourselves a deadline. And that deadline is set in the future.
Our manuscript does not need to be worked on today. We are going to hang out with our friends, call our parents and siblings and have a chat, go shopping, maybe clean up the house…. We’re busy!
- Celebrate Early
You just came up with a great story idea. Good job! You know who the characters are going to be, what the inciting incident will be, what the climatic event will be, and how the ending will come about.
And now you want to tell all your friends about this great idea, and they are going to root you on, and tell you to write that story because that idea is fantastic. You are now filled with dopamine and other happy hormones. It’s as if you’ve already written the book and are celebrating.
And now, you notice your energy and interest in the story has depleted…. Next idea!
- Make Excuses
I don’t know about you, but I’m a working mom. I work 40 hours a week, have two toddlers to tend to, and a husband who acts just like our children. I am always on call. I’m never off duty. And you may be the same.
And we use these reasons, and more, to justify why we don’t need to write that manuscript, blog post, article, script, etc. Our biggest excuse, that started in childhood, is, “I’m tired!”
- Plan for Tomorrow
Instead of planning for today, why not plan for tomorrow? Make a to-do list of all the things you want or need to get done…tomorrow. Don’t do it today because, remember, we are procrastinating. We’re busy!
Those dishes that have been piling in the sink can wait, the dry laundry can sit a little longer—we’re ok with wearing wrinkled clothes, and our novel can wait. We don’t need to write today. We wrote yesterday already. That should suffice.
- Delegate
Ok, maybe we wrote a chapter today., but we’re feeling meh right now. Why not push the rest of the writing onto someone else?
You know, at work we’re encouraged to work as a team, so let’s use our writing team.
The cat can write the next chapter, let’s give the baby the following chapter, let’s have the husband—who only knows how to play video games, eat, poop, and cry—write the next chapter, and…let’s give one more chapter to the house plant.
We are golden!
- Don’t Finish What You Start
Did you know?—I have tons of story ideas. I started Project Jo two years ago, I’m currently working on Project Emily, I’ve got a few more that I have started on USB throughout my many years of life, and I have boxes and notebooks full of potential stories. How awesome is that?
You may be the same! We started one story, thought up another, got excited and started on that one instead, met another idea, and the characters just don’t stop talking. They all want their story to be told. So, we haven’t really finished a full manuscript.
- Prioritize Everything But Writing
Now remember, we still have those dishes. And the laundry’s not done. We also had to bring some work home. Forgot to go grocery shopping. The kids are hungry. (Shaking head) Ooh, gotta catch up on Doctor Who. Let’s go do all of that first.
- Never Publish
Ok, now that the cat, baby, husband, and house plant have finished their roles, and everything has come together, let’s put it all away. Forget publishing. The hard work is done.
- Just Don’t Write
Believe me when I say “writing is hard.” For some of us, coming up with a sentence is tough. So why bother putting in the effort to write a novel? Why not wait for this book to write itself?
We’ve bought tons of notebooks, pens, e-journals, we’ve brainstormed story ideas—now the story can write itself. Writing desk, here you go!
CONCLUSION:
April Fools! Please do not follow the advice in this article. You are a writer. Don’t stop writing. Don’t stop dreaming. Keep doing what you’ve been doing. Keep reading my articles for more writing tips and tricks, and keep learning.
The only way to become a writer is to write. If you want to fail, however, then follow this advice. (But seriously, don’t.)
If you have another way for us to fail as writers, leave them in the comment box below, as a joke.
As always, have fun writing!
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