INTRODUCTION
I recently came upon the book “F the Fairy Tale: Rewrite the Dating Myths and Live Your Own Love Story”, by Damona Hoffman. “Dating” and “Love Story” had me thinking about romance novels, and how to apply Hoffman’s words to fiction writing.
Romance novels, like all other forms of writing, have a tried and true method. I’ve written about How to Write a Romance Novel Using the Hallmark Method, which you read here. In this article, we’re going to discuss ways to make your romance novel real, relatable, and believable to your readers.
That’s by using The Four Pillars of Love, from this book.
Before we get to the Pillars, or what we should be looking for in a relationship, however, let’s first discuss the Myths of Love. In her book, Hoffman notes four myths that we all have when it comes to finding love. These are: The List, The Rules, The Chemistry, and The Soulmate. Each myth can actually be busted, or have a downside, making them goals you’ll want the characters in your novel to avoid.
THE FOUR MYTHS OF LOVE
- The List
The List is “when you have a set of desired qualities…and keep a scorecard for each date.” (p.19) There was an episode on the Steve Harvey Show, several years ago, where one guest had such a list. Her list had qualities she did or did not want in a potential partner, such as “Can’t own a cat”, “Must be 5’10” or taller”, “Must never wear sweatpants”, etc. The downside to a list is that you lose the opportunity to get to know a great person just because they have flaws. (We all have flaws.)
- The Rules
The Rules is where dating is seen as a game to be won and conquered; there’s a rule book, or guidebook, to finding Mr. or Mrs. Right. The downside to this is that it only exists in a fantasy world. There’s no flexibility, and the progression of getting to know one another is not allowed because it’s not part of The Rules.
- The Chemistry
The Chemistry is the belief that you must feel an immediate spark with the other person in order for them to be your one. Personally, I dated a boy who had this mindset. He admitted that he was waiting to feel the spark with someone one day–not me, obviously–but he kept seeing me or else be bored, and I dated him to try to prove to him that there’s no such thing as “sparks.” Long story short, we lasted two years only. The downside to this myth is: you will never settle down because sparks aren’t real.
- The Soulmate
The Soulmate is where you believe that there is one perfect person for you, and once you find them you’ll live happily ever after. In my opinion, the downside to this myth is: even if you do find your so-called soulmate, if you don’t keep working at the relationship, it falls apart. Happily ever after doesn’t end at the wedding, it actually begins.
Now that we know what the Myths of Love are, let’s look at the Pillars of Love. Pillars, as the name suggests, is what you want to strive for, as they hold-up and strengthen the relationship. As you write your romance novel, you’ll want the characters in your novel to find a potential partner based on the Pillars of Love.
Below, I have provided descriptions of each Pillar, their importance, and how or why to apply each Pillar to the characters in your writing.
THE FOUR PILLARS OF LOVE
- Goals
Goals are a shared vision of the future. The relationship between two people is actually stronger when they share the same life goals. For instance, both want to get married and start a family; they want to travel the world; they want to move out of state or abroad; they want to complete a higher education or climb the ladder in their career fields, and so forth.
Having goals means both parties have something to look forward to in life. Neither are sitting around, doing the same thing everyday–bored–and wondering why they’re not the top boss at work or why their unfinished manuscript is not on the shelves and in the hands of readers. Or if one person has goals and the other doesn’t, the relationship naturally has a power imbalance, as one person is pursuing life and the other isn’t.
The overall plus-side to having the characters in your novel goal-oriented is that they are more resilient. Resiliency, or grit, will get your characters from the start of your novel, through the tough times in the middle, and over the hurdle of the climax, through to “the end.”
- Values
Values are a similar and compatible outlook on the world and life. The author says, “The best way to build love and empathy for those who are different from us is by actually spending time together and seeing inside their world”(p.24-25). This means, in order for two people to know if they have the same values, they must interact with each other.
Having shared values makes couples more compatible in the long-run. For example: both parties value respect and honesty; they value a monogamous relationship and open communication; they value putting family above all others, and so on.
Giving the characters in your novel shared values allows them to bond and start forming a relationship with one another, and they also know instinctively that the other person is meant for them romantically.
- Communication
Communication is the ability to share and exchange information clearly and resolve conflicts. This means taking turns to talk; actively listening to the other person; texting or writing to one another respectfully; being able to read and understand each other’s body language, etc. This also means that when times are tough, both parties can come together to resolve issues, apologize and take accountability for their own actions, and repair the relationship.
Personally, communication is the hardest thing to do in a relationship. Some of us may have had good communication modeled to us, others not. If we didn’t get good modeling, some of us may expect our partner to read our minds; we may not exchange crucial information to them because we think someone else will tell them; we may forget to exchange information; and when times are tough, we storm out of the room and just wait for time to heal the relationship and nothing gets resolved.
Giving your characters the ability to communicate effectively gives your readers hope and reassurance. Your readers get to experience a relationship that falters but steers itself in the right direction; Your readers learn that good relationships can weather any storm.
- Trust
Trust is the feeling of safety and mutual respect.This means one person can rely on the other, they know that their partner will not take advantage of them or mistreat them in any way, shape, or form.
Trust is also tough in a relationship. As much as we say trust is gained, some of us may trust right away–myself included–because we’ve committed ourselves to a relationship. We think, “A relationship should have trust, so let me trust the other person.” However, depending on the words and actions of the other person, trust either remains or it dissipates. A lack of trust can create problems in the relationship, while trust creates a strong bond. We trust through matching words and actions, consistency, active listening, the willingness to work on the relationship, taking accountability for our own faults and actions, etc.
When it comes to the characters in your novel, you want them to gradually build trust in one another. No they may not trust right away, due to their own flaws and backstory, but you want them to get to the point where they can. Because again, trust keeps a relationship strong and intact.
CONCLUSION
I recently read Damona Hoffman’s book “F the Fairy Tale: Rewrite the Dating Myths and Live Your Own Love Story”. Hoffman’s writing had me thinking about love and romance, and how we can apply her writing to fiction writing–specifically when writing romance novels.
To make your romance novel real, relatable, and believable, use the Four Pillars of Love from this book. The Pillars are: goals, values, communication, and trust. Including these pillars will also form a strong relationship between your characters, which is what readers look forward to when they pick up your book.
Have fun writing!